Hello.
So I've had my license for a while now, and Englebert Humperdinck and I (if you have seen Eddie Izzard's "Dress To Kill" you will understand the name) have had many joyous adventures. We have also had many not-so-joyous adventures, often at the hands of other wanky drivers.
Here is something they do not tell you when you get your licence (actually they do not tell you anything when you get your licence, it's kind of like: "Here is your piece of plastic. Try not to die."):
-Every single other driver ever is an idiot.
-It is possible that you are an idiot to every single other driver.
(However, in my case, this is incorrect: i am always a perfect driver and everyone else is a moron).
Anyway. So in my recent huffiness with wanky driving, I offer you my Patented Guide to Wanky Drivers:
Wanky Driver #1: Fancy expensive car, heightened self-importance, mid-life crisis.
Usually driving a) a BMW b) a Mercedes Benz or c) a Jaguar. Usually a middle aged business man either a) in a big rush, or b) going unnecessarily slowly as to not build up too much wind resistence for the fact that it may leave a slight mark on the paint job. This person will usually tailgate you the whole way to your destination, and when you slow down by five kilometres to make a 90 degree turn into a street, will honk and abuse you for delaying him. Alternately will be driving ahead of you at approximately 11 kilometres per hour, and will slow down ten of these when any occasion arises in which circumstances change (i.e. left turn, right turn, roundabout, slight curve in the road, airplane flying overhead, slight breeze, drop of rain, someone playing a lute in Sweden, person wearing pink shoes on another continent.)
Wanky Driver #2: Beaten up Skyline or Commodore, terrible music at brain damaging frequency (music itself is generally brain-damaging in nature), travels very, very fast, constantly tailgating.
This is usually a P-plater. I myself am a P-plater, but this doesn't stop me from hating other P-platers (just like being a uni student doesn't stop me from hating other uni students, being a commuter doesn't stop me from hating other commuters, and being a human doesn't stop me hating other humans). Usually they will tailgate you as closely as possible with rubbish music blaring, until they are able to overtake you, at which point they will drive away as quickly as possible, until they are stopped at traffic lights and you again draw level with them. They continue to rev engine and crawl over crossing lines until the lights change, and they squeal and drive off as quickly as possible. They will also be the drivers who, if you ever happen to be a lone female waiting for a lift in Greensborough (this is without recommendation in any way, shape or form) will beep at you, pull a kissing face, and laughing raucously to themselves. However, if you encounter their female counterpart, usually the car comes with Playboy Merchandise and less sexual harrassment.
Wanky Driver #3: Bus Driver, inability to see in mirrors, so therefore guesses when cars are coming if they are changing lanes, constantly enraged.
If you make a lane change in front of them they will abuse you with many hand gestures and beetroot complexion. If you are driving down a street at 70 kilometres they will decide to change into your lane assuming you are not there, and then abuse you when you scoot past before they crush you to death. Generally desirous of destroying all mankind, or has Grandeur complex in which they are SuperBusMan: Modern Day Public Transport Hero. Sometimes both.
Wanky Driver #4: Irritated Businesswoman, small efficient car.
Persona as follows: WHY ARE YOU NOT GOING FAST ENOUGH DEAR GOD I AM SO LATE WHY ARE YOU STOPPING THE LIGHTS ONLY JUST TURNED RED I AM SO LATE IF I AM LATE THE WORLD WILL END AND I WILL DIE HURRY UP OR I WILL RAM YOU.
Wanky Driver #5: Truck Driver, not so much desirous of ending mankind (see: Bus Driver) as is completely indifferent to mankind, and anyone on the road.
Truck Driver will most likely be encountered on a) Freeway, or b) Western Ringroad. Will not care if you are in their lane, next to them, in front or behind them, underneath their tyres, crushed between them and a wall etc. etc. Possibly due to excessive consumption of no-doz, or inherently in a perpetual state of half-sleep.
These are just some of the wanky drivers you will encounter. So if you manage to survive being crushed, having your spirit broken, or indeed becoming a wanky driver, I wish you happy driving. AND GET OUT OF MY LANE DEAR GOD I AM SO LATE.
Bye.
Anna.
xx
