The Good Old Days.

Ah, how I miss the good old days of children’s television. The days when kids were encouraged to eat copious amounts of tooth-rotting foodstuffs, and the days when the public transport system was run by a man with the title (not in so many words) of “morbidly obese”. Take the Cookie Monster for example: Cookie Monster used to be cool. Remember him in the “Got Milk?” adds. How cool was he? Mega cool, that’s how. On a scale of one to cool… well… you get the point. And he used to spend all day (in Sesame Street time) eating hundreds of cookies in a gluttonous riot, despite the fact that he was lacking a stomach, an oesophagus, a large and a small intestine (or so one assumes) and… all that other visceral stuff that digests food and junk. Let’s just say I was never an anatomy student. And for that matter, I was barely ever a science student. Us music and language students do stuff real good and think real nice! Anyway, my point is, Cookie Monster has gone downhill like the economic decline, or a fat man falling down a steep slope – no longer are cookies a daily joy, cookies are “sometimes foods”. Bitch, what is a sometimes food? How often is sometimes? How do you classify that? “I eat cookies sometimes” is like saying “I watch collectors sometimes” when we all know I am right there in front of the TV at 8.00pm on the dot every Friday night, waiting to see what my collectors have to say about a woman from Dubbo’s collection of blue plastic and Harrison Ford memorabilia. I have no control over my Collectors addiction. The sky is the limit – so, really, Cookie Monster, you need to set some standards, man, before you make claims about “sometimes” and “foods”. But regardless, I highly detest the way television is making the youth of today moral. I grew up with morbidly obese train controllers, furry puppets that had no gastronomic control and plasticine lands created entirely to mimic a world built of cheese with a lemonade ocean. So Cookie, man, what the fuck is up? You used to be cool.
Speaking of “cool”, truth be known, I used to have a mild obsession with Cookie Monster when I was about fourteen. I’m not entirely sure why, although I have a suspicion that said obsession would be the basis of my “quirky” yet “admirably so and somewhat hip” persona that I would later build. Needless to say I was neither “quirky” nor “admirable and somewhat hip”, so I crawled back into my band geek cave and forgot all about it.

But anyway. I have issues with children’s television. And don’t even get me started on the “Politically Correct Controller”. To be honest, I have no idea if the “Fat Controller” has slimmed down or not – I haven’t watched Thomas The Tank Engine since I was three – so weight loss is entirely possible. But if he has lost the weight, surely that is influencing the youth of today badly, considering how quickly he dropped the kilos and became merely “The Controller”. It would appear that “The Controller” is going through a rollercoaster diet reminiscent of Oprah. Next he will release “C” magazine and start writing self-help books. (Interesting fact: Oprah’s real name is “Orpah” and she had a kid when she was fourteen). (Interesting fact: I am not sure if “The Controller’s” real name is “Contropah” or if he had a kid at fourteen, but it is entirely possible.) And thus the mystery of “The Fat Controller’s” weight loss and subsequent renaming of “The Politically Correct Controller” is discovered: his obesity was simply baby weight! The more you know.

But I suppose there is still television to warm my corrupted heart. Those of you that are fans of “Escape From Scorpion Island” (and, yes, there are many of you, I know), will recall episodes where competing children are kept in cages and are spun from poles over the ocean while other children pound them with skulls. Now that is entertainment.

Similarly, although not in television form, the board game “Cluedo” always kept the spirit, by introducing families to a game of brutal murder in which many of the suspects are A) Alcoholics B) Smokers and C) Tarts. Although, I have to say, I wish I were more like Miss Scarlet. She was such a babe.

Anyway, now that you have read my rant regarding children’s television programming, you are free to leave. But keep in mind, any interest in wholesome tv shows will be met with a quirky, admiral and somewhat hip raise of an eyebrow.

All the best,

Anna x

P.S. I would also like to clear things up re: Mr Fancy’s reference to my bladder. All accusations made are entirely false and fabricated and highly offensive. I AM A LADY! I most definitely did not have to get off the train several stops before my own at midnight, I did not have to run to the toilets, I did not discover upon reaching the toilets that they were locked, and I did not pee in the bushes near a bus stop.

P.P.S. Guess who got four hours sleep last night?!?!?! A WHOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOO!