SO i has this kitty-cat...

Hey So, this is my little/fat kitty. He is now the bane of my existence. I have a laundry list of reasons why this seemingly cute little ball of kitty-cat is, in actuality, the incarnation of all hatred and evil in the world:

1) He constantly meows at me to tell me such trivial things like: "ME BE HUNGRY!", "I BELIEVE YOU ARE STANDING ON MY TAIL WENCH!", "MY BELLY NEEDS EFFECTIVES PATS RIGHT NAO! BUT ONLY TO A CERTAIN DEGREE AND ONCE YOU HAS PAST THIS CERTAIN DEGREE I WILL CLAW YOU AND BITE YOU UNTIL YOUR BLOOD FLOWS INTO MY MOUTH!" and even "I REQUIRE MORE KIBBLE 'n' BITS MORTAL!"
2) He repeatedly falls asleep on all of my things and smooshes them and sheds hair all over them rendering them useless and hairy.
3) He Has these little spaz outs where he double-takes like five times with his eyes open really wide, then sprints off somewhere to hide (one time resulting in him running into a wall) or lunges at either me or my other kitty (also known as my sheep-like dog) and tries to destroy either of us.
4) HE KEEPS GETTING ALL DIRTY AND FAIL AND WIPING HIS DIRTY-FAIL ALL OVER ME AND BEING INFURIATING!!
5) He has taken to somehow getting into my room at night (probably with the aid of my dick-of-a-brother) and sleeping on me and then asking for outs at like five in the morning (which is obviously designated for napping and not outs!!) and constantly meowing and either flinging himself at my door or sitting on my chest and hitting me in the face with his paw.
6)He keeps getting into all manner of kitty fight clubs (where they have adorable boxing-gloves and trunks - or so i imagine) and losing and then coming to me not being able to open his eyes and bleeding for the ears and whining about how fail he is because he tries to be stealthy when he's all bright white and can be seen by anything at any time of the day or night (SUCH A TARD!!).
7) He's rubbing himself on me right now, even though i have just fed him, and he's leaving all this white hair on my clothes and around my room! AND NOW HE'S LEFT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!! ARRGGHHHHH!
8) He's disgustingly adorable and charming at times and lures into a false sense of kitty ruuuving that eventually leads him to break my fragile heart again. Maybe i'm just to easy.
9) I used to have to clean his kitty-litter (thankfully he learned how to use our "dog-door" which is actually a large "kitty-door" as my "dogs" aren't so much "dogs" as they are "slightly-uncharacteristic-kitties" - well no the lovable "Scottie", but yes the deplorable "Sir Kitty-face") and he always flung his excrement outside of the box after he had finished desecrating it! ITS WAS DISGUSTING!
10) He keeps giving me the "evil-kitty" eyes which freak me out - especially when i wake up at night to find him sitting on my chest purring and staring right into my eyes, centimeters from my face.

I like to think that now you all hate my cat as much as me, and that some among you (you know yourselves) are willing top come here and put him out of our collective miseries - also: don't feel shy now, come on over!). Thank you for your time.