Sorry, I am a vegetarian... No I do not eat chicken.

Ok children, this is just a big excuse for me to rant really.

I mean, you don't even have to bother reading it if you don't want to.

I just need to get this settled.

So, I have been vegetarian for about five years. And for about five years, I have been asked questions so infuriating that I have had trouble calming my gentle little vegetarian self.

For example, the most commonly suggested solution to finding me something to eat at various occasions is:
"Oh, I have some fish. I can cook that for you? No? Oh, well help yourself to the tuna in the cupboard"

NO. Why would I eat fish? Fish are animals. They breath. Maybe under water, yes. They think, if only to forget it three seconds later. But, let's say I have a friend, Gordan. Gordan has an appaling memory. Today I told him to take the rubbish out. A few seconds later, he had already forgotten, and his mind had moved on to other more important topics, such as '...I wonder if there's still crumpets left for breakfast..?'

...

EAT HIM. HE IS VERY MUCH INFERIOR TO MY SHORT TERM MEMORY CAPACITY OF APPROXIMATELY EIGHT ITEMS FOR APPROXIMATELY THIRTY SECONDS.

Go on, cook him up.

So, no. I don't eat fish. In my opinion, a vegetarian who claims to still eat fish, is not a vegetarian.

They are just a picky eater, whose mother indulges with her home cooked meals for diddums.

Upon travelling to another country, I attended a restaurant which was serving a set menu. After finding out that I am was a vegetarian, a - collective noun - of waiters whisped over to me to ask, of course, whether I eat fish.

No.

But, these clever servers of fine food came up with a wonderful solution.

I was presented with a very, very large bowl, of Sauerkraut. Mmm, tasty. For those of you who haven't had the delight of meeting my good friend Sauerkraut, he is basically comprised of minced cabbage, preserved in a jar. Wait a second, not basically. Completely. And so, as the bowl was presented in front of me, I had all three waiters standing behind me anxiously, watching, to see if they had done well. It was a little like one of those gameshows where the contestent is provided with the remnants of some dead sea-creature, and spurred on to eat it as quickly, and vomit inducingly as possible. Then they win a trip to a moderately priced hotel in the foothills of Canada.

Where is my trip to a moderately priced hotel in the foothills of Canada?

I ate way more Sauerkraut than is reccomended by the German-food-consumption advisory board. I'm not sure if they actually exist, really, but I'm sure they'd be appalled by what I was put through by their main export.

Let's skip forward about two years.

For unexplainabale reasons, I was presented with the task of cooking my own meal at another's house. They, were consuming steak. Lot's of steak, blood-oozing-onto-plate-while-eating sort of steak. And so, to save on washing up, it was suggested that I use the oil left in the frying pan to cook my omlette. Blood infused oil. And when I suggested I just give it a little wash, and perhaps some fresh oil, I was looked at like an overly pedantic 'individual with a cause'.

So there you have it. Perhaps I should create a little summary, for your benefit. So as not to be on the receiving end of vegetarian-wrath in the future.

1. No, I don't eat chicken. Just because it doesn't have visible blood, doesn't mean it wasn't once alive.

2. Tuna is fish. Yeah, it's mass-imported/exported etc, but just because there's more of them, doesn't mean I should find them tasty.

3. Barbequers-beware: Vegetarians get a little antsy when you cook their vege-burgers touching your steak. A little like you'd get a little antsy if I spat in your face and said 'oh it's ok, it's only -just- touching you. Just avoid that bit of your face for now'.

4. No I will not just 'pick the bits of chicken out' (refer to rule 3)

5. Just because I am a vegetarian, doesn't mean I love all animals. I have a pet dog, and it is ugly as heck. BUT that doesn't mean I'm free to consume it. Quite the contrary. Well, it's not free to consume me. We live on a basic idea that if we don't consume each other and keep out of eachother's faces, all is good in the world.

So let's finish with a little note on our friend Gordan.

Gordan suggested the other day that we have fish for lunch.

But Gordan, I said, I don't eat fish. I am a vegetarian.

Oh, say's Gordan.

... (one second passes)

... (two seconds have passed)

... (three seconds have now passed)

What about fish? Says Gordan, sincerely.

On further contemplation, perhaps I was a little harsh back there, when I suggested Gordan was worth salvaging.

You are, freely and wholely, allowed to consume him.

I hear he goes well with lime.

Mmmm, geschmackvoll.

<3